- - ayiMori - -

Fear is the one feeling that no one ever welcomes, but it always makes it way into our lives in various forms, shapes, and sizes. Whether or not your fear is justified or not, it's a scary feeling that is hard to make disappear. 

I like most people have multiple fears, some stronger than others. Sometimes I have small fears, like jumping off of the taller diving board. But other fears can stop me in my tracks, I not only get scared, I get nervous and anxious at the same time. My most paralyzing fear is disappointing others.

My fear mostly applies to academics; I fear not being a good student, I fear failing important exams, I fear falling behind in my work. Any time I feel that I did not do my best, or did not receive the best marks or grades, I feel worn and sad, leading me to fear that I am disappointing my parents, my professors, and my classmates. I know how hard my parents worked to get me into college, and I know how much work my professors and classmates put into these classes, so I feel absolutely terrible when I don't do well.

This leads my thought process down a terrible path. If I do poorly on an exam, I'll do poorly in the class, and then I'll do poorly that semester, which will lead me to do poorly after college, leading me to get a career that I am not passionate about, and I will fail to feel successful in life. I know - is this likely? - probably not, but this is how my anxiety snowballs.

Although not directly related to my fear of disappointing people, I have a fear of losing things. And things encompasses everything - people, things, memories. I'm afraid of losing close friends and family members, both in the sense of relationships and death. I'm afraid of losing important things, like important trinkets or photographs. But I'm also afraid of forgetting things that happened in my life, which is why I keep so many different journals and keep a very detailed agenda planner. The thought of losing anything gives me a heavy unexplainable feeling that makes me want to just curl up and retreat to the covers of my bed.  

I don't know of any of this makes sense, but I think it's a difficult thing to explain. I tried my best, and I think it's important to share. If you have any fears or just need to get it off your chest tell me about it.

This post is part of my Getting to Know Me Blogging Challenge, the goal of which to introduce myself to you. A list of each week's topic can be found in the Introduction post. If you would like to participate in the challenge or write up some blog posts from the challenge, let me know! I would love to read them!

Previous posts:

Week 12: Favorite Childhood Book

Week 11: My Dream Job

Week 10: In My Handbag

Week 9: My Favorite Quote

Week 8: If I Won the Lottery

Week 7: First Celebrity Crush

Week 6: Old Photo of Me

Week 5: 10 Favorite Foods

Week 4: My Guilty Pleasures

Week 3: Earliest Memory

Week 2: 20 Facts About Me

Week 1: Introduction